JERUSALEM – Israel’s Health Ministry announced yesterday that the client-centered health profession previously known as Occupational Therapy will henceforth be known as Return to the Homeland Therapy.
“The ministry’s management decided that the term Occupational Therapy painted the country in a negative light,” ministry spokesman Avi Ben Haim said at the press conference during which the shock announcement was made.
“It decided, therefore, to change the name to something more relevant and in keeping with the times.”
The certification issued to members of the profession in Israel will henceforth be called the Return to the Homeland Therapy Certificate.
Asked whether the change wouldn’t make life difficult for Israeli Return to the Homeland therapists in their dealings with international colleagues, Ben Haim said: “Our purpose is to enhance the standing of the profession inside Israel. We’re not interested in what the goyim think.”
Israel’s Shin Bet security service announced on Saturday that it had broken up a Hamas cell in the Bethlehem area and arrested the three ringleaders.
“They used the code name Magi and were preparing a terrorist attack in Bethlehem on Christmas,” the Shin Bet said in the statement.
“We caught them red-handed with highly dangerous bomb-making materials, including frankincense, myrrh and gold. Our quick action in detecting and neutralizing the threat prevented a major terrorist incident at a time when Bethlehem will be filled with pilgrims.”
Bethlehem merchants gave little credence to the Shin Bet version saying that the three were regular pilgrims from the East who had been spending Christmas in Bethlehem for millenia.
“They’re just a bunch of old guys who think they’re kings and follow stars around,” said one Bethlehem store-owner. Every year they spend money and don’t do any harm. All of a sudden they’re Hamas terrorists? Don’t make me laugh.”
TEL AVIV – The world’s most powerful supercomputer has failed to decipher the Israeli High Court’s rulings on the legality of house demolitions, sources at the Lawrence Livermore National Laboratory in California told The Kibbitzer yesterday.
Israel demolishes the homes of suspected terrorists as a means of deterring additional attacks. Most demolition orders are appealed to the High Court before they are carried out, creating an archive of several dozen rulings on the issue.
In an effort to establish the logic of the rulings, scientists at the laboratory fed all data dating back to 2001 into the Vulcan computer three weeks ago. Regarded as the most powerful supercomputer on the planet, the Vulcan normally handles classified U.S. government work, but is partly available to business and academia.
“It churned away at the data for three whole weeks,” said David Whitmore, a senior Lawrence Livermore computer analyst, “until eventually it just gave up. It’s never done that before. Clearly this is up there with the Big Bang and other unsolvable cosmic mysteries.”
Israeli legal scholar Prof. Eran Volker of the Hebrew University said that he wasn’t surprised by the Vulcan’s failure. “There are some things that not even a supercomputer can untangle,” he said.
“The rationale behind the court’s baffling and inconsistent rulings on home demolitions is going to remain one of the unsolved enigmas of the natural world.”
TEL AVIV – With Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu due to host Republican presidential contender Donald Trump in Jerusalem on December 29, scientists are warning of potentially catastrophic fib pollution in Israel’s capital and as far afield as Tel Aviv.
“This is historic,” said Prof. Assaf Goldschmidt of Israel Technion science institute in Haifa. “As far as we know, there’s never been a conjunction between two liars of such magnitude, so we really don’t know what to expect.”
“But all indications are that the fallout could exceed the damage caused by the Asian tsunami in 2004.”
“This is going to make Beijing look sanitized,” said Prof. Ivan McKenzie of the Princeton Institute of Sustainable Sciences in a telephone interview with The Kibbitzer. “My prediction is that the sustained mendacity level (SML) will be off the charts. It’s going to be a Newtonian experience.”
The Health Ministry has advised residents of Jerusalem to wear double sets of ear muffs for the duration of the meeting and to prepare sufficient cotton wool for several days afterwards.
“We’re recommending that pregnant women, people with high blood pressure and those sensitive to distortion, deception and outright fiction remain indoors until given the all-clear,” the ministry said in a statement.
“A decent start but still too much hot air,” Adolf Hitler said yesterday, when asked by The Kibbitzer to comment on Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump’s recent statement that Muslims should be barred from entering America.
“If that novice thinks he can get somewhere by making pretty speeches, he still needs to learn a thing or two,” the Fuhrer added.
“You can’t just wake up in the morning and decide that you’re a fascist,” the Nazi dictator cautioned. “It takes years of beating up people in the streets and starving them in camps. Being rich is simply not enough.”
“Tell whatisname … Troomp … to get back to me when he’s got some honest blood on his hands.”
Meanwhile, The Kibbitzer has learned that Islamic State Caliph Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi personally emailed Trump yesterday to thank him for his “awesome contribution” to the terrorist organization’s recruitment drive in the United States.
Al-Baghdadi has reportedly begun using the hashtag #IsisLuvsDon.
WASHINGTON — The White House has classified prime minister Benjamin Netanyahu as a “lone-wolf” politician, prone to irrationality and violence when incited by such influences as the Bible and the Holocaust.
Also classified as lone-wolves by the United States authorities were Defense Minister Moshe Ya’alon, Education Minister Naftali Bennett and Yisrael Beiteinu party chairman Avigdor Lieberman.
“We took the step after their demented driveling at the Saban Forum over the weekend,” the White House spokesman Josh Earnest said in a statement on Sunday.
“It is an extreme measure and we don’t take it lightly,” Earnest added. “But it had to be done in the interest of public safety.”
The public has been warned not to approach the lone-wolf politicians but to leave it to the security services to neutralize them.
“The last thing we want is lynch mobs or extrajudicial action,” Earnest said. “We appeal to everyone to take all necessary precautions and keep their distance when in the vicinity of the threat.”
OXFORD — The Oxford University Press, publisher of the Oxford series of dictionaries, has turned down a submission by Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu to add a new sub-definition to its definition of the English word “gesture,” The Kibbitzer has learned.
Netanyahu made his submission about three weeks ago, shortly after meeting with U.S. President Barak Obama in Washington, a source close to the prime minister told The Kibbitzer.
According to the prime minister’s submission, “gesture” should also be defined as: “a means of leverage, whereby the user tries to get his interlocutor to do something against his will and principles by promising to do something he should be doing anyway.”
In its rejection slip, Oxford University Press wrote: “We thank you for your submission, but believe that the scenario you describe is adequately covered by our current sub-definition 1.2 – namely, ‘An action performed for show in the knowledge that it will have no effect.’”
“We’re now thinking of trying Webster’s.” the source said in response. “We still think that the prime minister’s innovative and unique use of the word “gesture” should be formally recognized.”
DUSHANBE — International diplomats were rushing last night to find an appropriate venue for the looming Big Balls showdown between Russian President Vladimir Putin and Turkish President Recep Tayyip Erdogan.
Erdogan goes into the finals with a clear advantage, having downed a Russian jet yesterday. But Putin remains the bookmakers’ favorite, if only due to his past successes in international Big Balls contests.
“I only need to say one word,” said Kokhir Rahmon, a prominent bookmaker in Dushanbe, the capital of Tajikistan. “And that word is Crimea.”
“Are we talking big balls or what?”
Observers said that French President Francois Hollande was likely to lobby for holding the showdown in Paris’ Place de la Republique when he meets with Putin later this week. But they cautioned that a dark horse such as Rome’s Colosseum could also emerge.
“Personally, I would love to see it take place in the absolutely stunning surroundings of Palmyra,” said US President Barak Obama, a perennial contestant who is sitting out this year’s Big Balls contest.
“But those Islamic State savages have gone and fucked the place up.”
The Hebron-based Association of Israeli Terrorist Ex-Prisoners announced yesterday that it would be offering honorary membership to American-Israeli spy Jonathan Pollard, who was released last week after 30 years imprisonment in the United States.
“It’s regrettable that Pollard didn’t kill any Arabs,” said association president Menachem Livni, “but we believe that his intentions were pure and he deserves another chance to do the right thing.”
“He’ll learn from us to confine his activities to the liberated territories,” Livni added. “That way he’ll get out after a couple of months, like the rest of us.”
Reminded by The Kibbitzer that Pollard’s parole conditions may prevent him from coming to Israel, Livni responded: “No problem. He’ll revive our New York branch, which has been dormant since Kahane.”
Meanwhile, The Kibbitzer has learned that the Israeli Chief Rabbinate has sent a secret envoy to the Vatican to study the beatification process.
The move comes as Israel is studying ways to appropriately reward Pollard’s sacrifice. “Nothing we currently have on the books does justice to the martyrdom of Pollard,” said Ezra Zeidoff, a senior aide to prime minister Benjamin Netanyahu. “So we have to come up with something new.”